Apple Bandit, one of Applejack's cousins, has returned from military service after spending four years in Zebrica, which has been torn apart by civil war. He returned to the peace of Equestria harboring memories of a war beyond comprehension for most. This is how he copes with the stress of his life, with freinds, family and a little bit too much alcohol.
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Very Interesting
Already shaping up to be sad story, awaiting for next chapter.
2286444
You found where the idea came from. That's also one of my favorite songs.
2286450 I'm very well listened in the music world
My personal favorite by Imagine Dragons is
2286478
I like this one. I'll check it out on itunes later.
I still don't think you've given us a description of the main character yet...
I'm kinda workin' with a blank slate here...
Oh, and if you're going to give one, be gradual. Don't cram all his feature into one paragraph.
Like this:
1) Talk about about how the sun is burning his skin under his brown coat. (I'm using brown as an example.)
2) The wind blowing his short blonde mane.
3) How he's looking into someones eyes as they stare back into his hazel ones.
2291062
Thanks for the tip. I kinda forgot about that.
This is a fair story. You are doing a good job of telling a story with PTSD.We need M04R of this! This is one of the very few war stories where PTSD is actually handled well instead of being used as a cheap method of scoring woobie points. It doensn't manifest it as random angst just long enough to force an awkward shipping moment and try to make the reader feel sorry for your protagonist.
I wouldn't mind if you tried to lay on the sadness and darkness more thickly. This is not a happy story. Your emotional delivery could be much more effective. The problem is that you're being too quick with the narrative. Slowing things down tends to add weight as well as draw the reader into the story. The rapid pace does not suit the morose tone. You also do far much showing and not enough telling. Lastly, take the time to create your atmosphere. Establish an atmosphere of despair early on and bring it with you everywhere you go.
In terms of mechanics, you're actually pretty good.
I have a number of stories with somewhat similar and related stuff. I also write about a world with a Royal Equestrian Army, modern warfare, and a civil war in Zebra lands. Perchance, have you read them?
Stories in question:
Racer And The Geek
Shell Shock
Welcome to the Brothel
2548173
I'm making the next chapter. I had to stop writing while I moved and got a job, but I promise I'll have another chapter hopefully tonight.
Also, thank you for the advice. I will be sure to use it in my writing.
who did your art work and is it based on a picture taken at Gallipoli?
This had so much potential. . .